Your child is appearing for boards, but you’re the one popping a stress vessel? 7 ways to keep it together for your kid.
Cuffe Parade resident Poonam Chawla vividly remembers the March of 2013. Her son Rohan was appearing for his 12th standard examination. Rohan aspired to study abroad and much of his hopes were pinned on the exams and the impending results. He dreamt of nothing less than a 90 per cent. Poonam found herself completely engulfed with the idea and took on the mantle to fulfil his desire. It wasn’t just the examination that caused her anxiety -the thought of her son’s dream of studying abroad crumbling, should his percent not be up to the mark, made her go off the deep end.
Poonam found her solace in Buddhist chanting. Each time she felt her anxiety levels soaring, she would gather with her friends and chant. “I realised I was passing on my anxiety to my son, which would frustrate him,” she recalls. “So much so, each time he would find me getting anxious, he would tell me, `mama, please go chant'”.While examination patterns have evolved, experts claim, parents -when confronted, literally, with testing situations like the pressing board exams -haven’t. Nearly a fortnight ahead of the HSC board exam (the first among the many important examinations that will follow), our panel of experts suggest seven ways you can avoid being the nagging monster and be a support system, instead.
Just stay calm
Displaying your nervousness to the child is quite common with parents. But it doesn’t help. In a case like this, either the child turns into a complete rebel and deliberately does not study, or gets so nervous because of their parents’ mounting pressure, that he/she will simply not able to perform. Clinical psychologist, Salma Prabhu shares, “Children often get exasperated, if parents continuously tell them what to do and how to do it. This not only disturbs them, but also leaves a feeling of anxiety and insecurity regarding the upcoming exams. They may lose their confidence.” Your best bet? Keep calm and let your child carry on. If you’re unable to, seek counselling.
Leave your old-school ideas behind
“When I was preparing for my boards more than a decade ago, everyone was concerned about marks,” says Azmin Mistry, an English teacher with a south Mumbai school. “But we now realise that these marks don’t matter. If we are kinder towards exams, exams will be kinder to us.” Enjoy the process. Tell your child to study to expand his/her knowledge. If you only focus on the grades, it puts undue pressure on them. “Besides, those who do well in school may not necessarily do well in life, and the reverse is also true. So, don’t base your child’s self-worth based on these exams,” says former president of the Bombay Psychiatrist Society, Dr Kersi Chavda. “One is 15 or 16 when appearing for these exams, and parents must understand they have a whole life ahead of them. Doing poorly in an exam is not a sign that they are a failure in life.”
Be a support system
You don’t have to put your life on hold for your child’s exams. Continue with your job and social activities through the year. It’s only around the time of the examinations that you may choose to be home to make things comfortable and easy for them. Be around to keep the house calm and peaceful, keep the fragrance pleasant and speak of only positive outcomes. Ensure that they are sleeping well, eating adequately and exercising daily, as these three factors help alleviate stress levels. Don’t simply nag them to study. Learning is about absorbing, and that can only happen if the child is sufficiently relaxed and rested. Trying to memorise and learn new concepts till the end may result in memory loss or tiredness during the time of actual performance. “And know that exams are a bit about luck,” points out Dr Chavda. “If your child has studied diligently and is still unable to perform for some reason, spare the rod.”
Know the child’s capacity
Many parents feel anxious when their children don’t seem to juggle their time well or are a tad tired towards the end of the examination.”This is bound to happen in some cases as children have been running to different classes and have been solving umpteen number of papers and have been practising a lot,” says Prabhu. Parents need not panic and immediately start talking of the worst case scenarios and how this will lead to low scores.” Know that your child has a limit and will only able to perform to the best of his/her ability. Accept their limitations. As a thumb rule don’t compare, not even if their sibling is a class topper.” Besides, suggests Prabhu, “avoid talking to too many people on your WhatsApp groups about what to serve your children, where to seek last minute help, ask how much children must sleep. Trust the children and observe what is best for them as every child is different.”
Ranjana Guha, a retired junior college professor, explains, “One must instil the idea of self-study, rather than depend on tuitions.” Sometimes, coaching classes add pressure and make hogwash promises. This leads to building unreasonable expectations in the parents’ minds.
No talking shop
Focus on the here and now. This is not the time to discuss what stream or career path they shall be taking, or, worse still, speak about a profession you would like them to take up. “In such situations, talking about it leads to low self-esteem and feeling of let ting their parents down,” says Prabhu. “So do not pressurise your children. If they don’t do well, they shall have to opt for Commerce and Arts and not Science isn’t helpful at this time.” Be sure, conversations during this time are pleasant and different, rather than the board exam results and its consequences.
Steer clear of outside pressure
For your child’s sake, and yours, avoid those friends, neighbours and relatives who give unsolicited advice and keep asking your kid what they want to be in life. This will create expectations in your mind and your child will only be bogged down by it. This is not the time to let others also come and create a cloud of anxiety and tension. “Playing Mozart and santoor stimulates the right nerves of the brain leading to good concentration and memory,” advises Prabhu. “This will not only calm you as a parent but also help the children perform well.” Dr Chavda adds, if it’s the school which is the defaulter putting pressure, go up to the principal or teacher and have a frank chat. “Just because heshe maybe topping his class doesn’t mean that heshe will become board ranker,” he says.
Don’t compare
As parents your level of confidence in your children is what boosts their self-esteem and self-confidence. Do not compare them or give examples of relatives and friends who have scored well and have got great admissions, or alternatively who have scored low and have had to settle for mediocre institutes or pay donations. “Parents feel by comparing children to others, they are creating a competitive spirit. However, no one likes to be compared,” says Prabhu. “Instead of feeling competitive, many children just give up thinking, my parents are never satisfied and nothing can make them happy, so why bother.” Keep reassuring them that you trust them and you love them no matter what they score.